I hope your weekend’s going well. Today, I’m sharing something a bit more personal and vulnerable – a story that’s left me shaken but also weirdly reflective.
A few days ago, I was physically assaulted on the street.
There I am, arms full of grocery bags, a podcast about in my headphones, just minding my own business. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a seemingly homeless woman about my height and weight lunges at me from across the street and starts swinging, pushing, punching, grabbing my hair. In all my 42 years, I’ve never been in a physical altercation. Until now.
Here’s the irony: After 15 years in New York City – supposedly one of the “danger capitals” of the world – where I’ve walked the streets and ridden the subways at all hours of the day and night. After going home with strangers or inviting strangers into my home for decades all over the world. I get assaulted in a peaceful residential neighborhood in Albuquerque in broad daylight at 10am. Life’s funny that way, isn’t it?
I was lucky – I’m strong, have some self-defense training, and I’m not afraid to strike back. While she was certainly hitting to harm, I managed to get away with only some scrapes, scratches, and bruises.
As I grappled with my attacker (while somehow managing to keep my groceries mostly intact – small victories, right?), a few things became crystal clear:
Subscribe to the Sex, Love & Science Newsletter by Dr. Zhana
The science of love, sex and relationships.
In your inbox (almost) every week.
See you there?
Subscribe to the
Sex, Love & Science Newsletter by Dr. Zhana
The science of love, sex and relationships.
In your inbox (almost) every week.
See you there?
- Safety is never guaranteed: No matter where you are or how careful you think you’re being, stuff can happen. It’s a sobering realization.
- Our system has some serious gaps: When I called the cops, I learned that unless I’d been stabbed or shot, this was just a misdemeanor that they wouldn’t arrest someone for (unless they witnessed it happening). And then, even if they’d caught her (which they didn’t) and she showed up to her court date, because of her mental health issues, she’d likely get pleaded out and be back on the streets in no time. It’s frustrating and scary.
- Mental health / Addiction is a community issue: My attacker was clearly struggling with some serious mental health and likely addiction issues. It’s a stark reminder of the mental health crisis we’re facing and how it affects us all.
- Empathy is born from experience: I’ve always lived pretty fearlessly, trusting that most people are good people, and that bad things are unlikely to happen to me, even when I take risks, and for the most part, that attitude has served me well. But this incident gave me a new understanding and compassion for those who feel unsafe in their communities, unprotected by our government, incentivized to take matters into their own hands. It’s eye-opening.
- Resilience and adaptation are key: While I won’t let this one freak incident instill fear in my life or restrict my movements, I am making some changes. Being more aware of my surroundings, always keeping a hand free, trusting my instincts about someone looking suspicious more, and not hesitating to call 911 thinking ‘things probably won’t escalate’. And I’ll be back in my self-defense class as soon as I’m back in NYC.
How about carrying some sort of self-protection weapon/tool? The friends I’m staying with here immediately got me (and themselves) a few different non-lethal weapons in addition to a few lethal ones they already own. I understand that carrying a weapon can make one feel safer, and I’m still considering that possibility for myself. That said, the decision has to be weighed against all its pros and cons, including the fact that self-defense weapons often end up getting used against the carrier rather than the attacker.
I’m sharing this not to scare you or to throw myself a pity party. I’m sharing because it’s made me think a lot about safety, community, and how we navigate this crazy world.
It’s got me wondering: Have you ever had an experience that suddenly shifted your perspective on safety? How did you handle it? Did it change the way you move through the world?
And more broadly, how do we balance living fully and openly with staying safe? How can we better support those in our communities who are struggling with mental health and addiction issues?
Remember, we’re all in this together. Stay safe out there, but don’t let fear stop you from living your best life.
With love,
Dr. Zhana
