What to Do When Your Relationship Isn’t Meeting Your Needs

Today, I want to dive into a topic that many of us face but often struggle to address: unmet needs in our relationships. 🤔

In a recent coaching call, one of our members brought up a common but tricky relationship challenge:

“What do I do when my needs—like sensuality, physical touch,
or words of affirmation—aren’t being met in a relationship?”

This is such an important issue because unmet needs, whether physical, emotional, or otherwise, can cause tension in any relationship. Our member shared how her sensuality needs weren’t being fulfilled by her partner, and the frustration that built up as a result.

I’ve been there too, and I bet many of you have as well. So, let’s explore how to navigate unmet needs without jeopardizing the relationship:

1. Start with Open Communication

The first step is to have an honest conversation with your partner about what you need and why it’s important. Instead of blaming them, explain how these unmet needs make you feel and get curious about what’s preventing them from meeting your needs.

For example, our member felt that the lack of affection and verbal affirmation were triggering her fears of abandonment. By opening up about these feelings, she was able to get the reassurance she needed from her partner, and gain deeper understand into why this time period was particularly challenging for him to be very physically and emotionally available due to financial stressors and working through past trauma..

If you want to dive deeper into exploring your own needs, consider my LoveSmarter™ University program. It provides science-based tools for understanding and communicating relationship dynamics effectively. Click here to sign up for early access.

2. Practice Self-Awareness

Sometimes it’s worth asking if our needs are something that our partner needs to meet. Is some of that unmet need on us? Would we benefit from being able to take care of those needs ourselves?

In her case, she realized that working on increasing her own sense of emotional security and decreasing her attachment anxiety could help lower the bar in what she needs from her partner in order to feel loved and secure in the relationship.

Plus, patience is key. Sometimes, it takes time for partners to get to a place where they can meet each other’s needs fully, and self-care can help fill in the gaps along the way.

3. Explore Collaborative Solutions

Sometimes, especially during challenging times when our physical and emotional resources are overtaxed by other life demands, it can feel overwhelming or impossible to fully meet our partner’s needs. In our member’s case, her partner shared he often felt at a loss to know when and how to connect with her or make her feel loved.

So help your partner help you. Give them a menu of options – specific things they can do or say to better meet your needs. Set a dedicated time in the day, week, or month that’s just for connecting. Ask them if they’re available for connection at other ad hoc times and invite them to love you in the ways you need to be loved.

Additionally, in non-monogamous setups, like theirs, discussing the possibility of having certain needs met outside the primary relationship can be a healthy option—provided both partners are comfortable and boundaries are clear. In this case, our member and her partner decided now was not the time for outsourcing, keeping that option open for the future.

For tailored advice, my private consultations can help you work through these dynamics in a way that honors your unique situation. Book a session here to get personalized guidance and actionable steps for improving your relationship.

Tell me, have you ever struggled with unmet needs in a relationship? How did you handle it? I’d love to hear your thoughts—hit reply and share your experience!

With love,
Dr. Zhana