Q&A: One Penis Policy: Evolution, Ego, or Something Else?

In one of our recent Coaching Calls, we dove into a topic that often stirs up strong emotions in the world of nonmonogamy: the One Penis Policy (OPP). One of our community members raised an interesting question:

“My husband is okay with me dating women, but not men. He understands intellectually that the OPP is problematic, but feels his desire to be my ‘one and only penis’ is hardwired by evolution. He’s working on it, but feels like he’s fighting an uphill battle. How can we navigate this?”

This question touches on a common challenge many male-female couples face when opening up their relationships. Let’s unpack it, shall we?

First off, what exactly is the ‘One Penis Policy’?

It’s an arrangement where the partners agree that the woman in the couple can have sex or relationships with other women, but not with other men. Occasionally, this can be a reflection of the woman’s authentic lack of interest in other men. Typically, it’s a result of the man’s discomfort with his wife or girlfriend being with other men and his inability or unwillingness to overcome this discomfort.

And yes, it’s often criticized in poly circles as an unfair double standard.

So, is this desire really “hardwired” into men as many men in this situation tend to claim?

The short answer: It’s complicated.

If we look at our primate relatives (both great apes, our closest relatives, and the many species of monkeys) , we do see male possessiveness. Males often try to keep females to themselves, even in species where females typically mate with multiple partners. Same extends to many other mammalian and other animal species. So yes, there’s definitely a certain level of discomfort built into males to want to be the only one a female mates with.

BUT (and it’s a big but), we’ve also had 12,000+ years of cultural conditioning layered on top of any biological impulses we may be carrying. Patriarchal norms, the concept of women as men’s property, the stigma of being a “cuckold” – all of these have amplified and calcified these feelings to seem way more “natural” and “hardwired” than they may actually be.

Here’s what I think is really at play, beyond whatever underlying biological tendencies we carry:

• Ego and fear: Often, the OPP is rooted in a desire to feel special, irreplaceable, and “better” than other men. It’s commonly driven by an underlying fear of comparison, of not being “enough,” or of losing one’s partner to another man.
• Cultural conditioning: Especially in some communities, there’s added pressure around masculinity and the stigma of being seen as a “chump.” These societal expectations can deeply influence how men view their role in relationships and their comfort with nonmonogamy.
• Lack of exposure: The anticipation is often scarier than the reality. Many men find that once they’ve experienced their partner being with other men a few times, it becomes less threatening.

That said, most of us, regardless of gender, have an evolutionarily built-in discomfort at the possibility of our mate being with someone else. Especially for us as pairbonding species, extra-pair sex or relationship is one of the greatest threats to the stability of our existing relationship.

So it’s not about whether we feel discomfort or not, most of us do.

And it’s not so much about whether that discomfort is biological or social, most of the time, it’s a bit of both.

It’s about whether we decide to work on overcoming that discomfort or not.

Many men (and people of all genders) work through these feelings successfully. So while these emotions might feel innate, and may even have some level of innateness, they’re not immutable.

So, how can couples work through this?

1. Acknowledge the feelings: Recognize that these emotions are real and valid, even if you don’t want to act on them.
2. Communicate openly: Discuss fears, insecurities, and boundaries honestly. Sometimes just voicing these fears can lessen their power.
3. Take baby steps: Start small. Maybe begin with flirting, then progress to dates without physical intimacy, and so on. Gradual exposure can help desensitize those knee-jerk reactions.
4. Focus on compersion: Try to cultivate joy in your partner’s happiness and pleasure, regardless of the source.
5. Challenge narratives: Examine the cultural messages you’ve internalized about masculinity, fidelity, and worth. Are they serving you?
6. Keep your relationship strong: It’s harder to feel threatened about your partner’s experiences with other people when you feel highly loved, desired, and valued by them.
7. Seek validation elsewhere: Work on building self-esteem that doesn’t rely solely on being the “only man” in your partner’s life.
8. Consider professional help: If you’re struggling to navigate these issues on your own, couples therapy with a nonmonogamy-friendly therapist can be incredibly helpful.

Remember, there’s no one right way to do non-monogamy. What matters is finding an arrangement that works for both partners, even if it’s not perfectly equal at first.

Open, honest communication and mutual respect are key in navigating these challenges. It’s about creating a relationship structure that honors both partners’ needs and boundaries while allowing for growth and exploration.

Have you ever dealt with a One Penis Policy in your relationships? How did you navigate it? Hit reply and share your experiences – your insights could help others in our community!

Until next time,
Dr. Zhana