People Don’t Change… Or Do They?

“People don’t change.”

It’s a phrase I’ve heard countless times in my work with clients and students. Just the other day, a client expressed this sentiment out of frustration with a friend who refuses to acknowledge and address some troubling behaviors.

The interesting part? This same client has undergone significant personal growth during our time together. He’s challenged long-held beliefs, shifted unhelpful patterns, and embraced new ways of thinking and feeling.

This contradiction led us into a deep conversation about whether people truly can change.

The truth is, my client is both wrong and right when he says people don’t change.

Well, can we change?

Absolutely. It is certainly possible to enact change.

We all have aspects of ourselves we’d like to transform:

• Unhealthy lifestyle habits: Substance use, poor diet, lack of exercise, irregular sleep…
• Problematic traits: Low empathy, low assertiveness, high jealousy, insecure attachment styles…
• Destructive behaviors: Difficulty controlling anger, procrastination, addictive behaviors…
• Limiting beliefs: Feeling unworthy of love, fear of abandonment, impostor syndrome…

Of course, some things are beyond our control—like our height, certain physical attributes, or our family history and past experiences. But when it comes to our psychological characteristics and behaviors, change is often within reach.

I’ve witnessed it firsthand.

In my own life, I’ve made strides toward greater empathy, humility, and healthier living. (I even shifted my circadian rhythm to wake up 3 hours earlier after believing my whole life that I was an incurable night owl!) And I even recently changed some of my political beliefs, which these days many seem to think is impossible and don’t even try to do.

I’ve also witnessed incredible transformations in others:

• Overcoming jealousy to build trusting relationships;
• Learning to set healthy boundaries and express their needs;
• Replacing self-sabotaging thoughts with empowering beliefs.

So, why is it also true that “people don’t change”?

Because too many people choose not to change and therefore they don’t.

Because, let’s be real—changing long-standing psychological or behavioral patterns isn’t easy or quick. It requires desire, commitment, and often, resources. Not everyone has these or wants to use them in this way.

There are five powerful reasons why people fail to change:

1. They don’t want to: Some people are content where they are, even if others around them aren’t. For example, a narcissistic individual may not see a reason to change their behavior.
2. They don’t believe change is possible: If someone is convinced that change isn’t possible, they won’t attempt it. This self-limiting belief is a significant barrier.
3. Fear of the unknown: Change can be scary. The familiar—even if it’s uncomfortable—often feels safer than the uncertainty that comes with transformation. It’s “the devil you know”…
4. Lack of resources: Time, energy, money, and social support are essential for change. Without these resources, it can be next to impossible to embark on a transformational journey.
5. Unwillingness to put in the work: Change requires effort, and not everyone is willing to invest the necessary time and energy, even if they have the resources.

The tragedy? Too many fail to even try to change, despite having opportunities and resources, perpetuating unnecessary pain and suffering for themselves, their partners, and often their children and broader families.

Ready to embrace change?

Here are a few excellent resources:

• “How to Do the Work“ by Dr. Nicole LePera
• “Existential Kink“ by Carolyn Elliott
• Work with a sex-positive therapist – find one via Psychology Today
• Schedule a One-Off Consulting Session with me

What’s Your Take?

Have you ever felt that change was impossible? What challenges have you faced when trying to make a change? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences.

Feel free to hit reply and share your story. Sometimes, starting a conversation is the first step toward transformation..

With love and care,
Dr. Zhana