I’m The Most Monogamous I’ve Ever Been…

Last month, as my partner and I were discussing our “first play party that wasn’t,” he dropped this little gem:

“The funny irony of our relationship is that I’m the most monogamous I’ve ever been in my entire life.”

I thought for a moment, and realized, “oh my god, me too!”

Which is really funny, given that I’ve been the “queen of nonmonogamy” for most of my life, and he’s been a serial cheater for most of his, and neither of us have managed to remain monogamous for longer than 6 months.

Let me explain…

When we first got together, we made an interesting choice: We agreed to start with six months of monogamy. Why? A few reasons:

• To really get to know each other
• Establish a stable bond
• Learn how to navigate conflicts
• And simply enjoy exploring different sexual experiences together

But here’s the kicker – neither of us is interested in being fully monogamous long-term. And indeed, last month, almost 7 months into our relationship, was going to be the end of that period–starting with my all-time favorite NYC play party.

But plot twist!: That party got canceled due to lack of tickets 😭. The next one isn’t until July, but I’m in Albuquerque for all of July and August writing my book (which, btw, is going really great so far!). We couldn’t find another suitable party before I left, and neither of us wanted to open up by playing separately while I’m gone (it’s a very different type of openness), so….

Guess what? We’re extending our monogamy period until mid-September! (That’s when the next party that I want us to start that journey with is scheduled for.) That brings us to a total of 10 months – the longest period of monogamy either of us has ever done! (And given that I’m away for two months, with a one week visit in the middle of that, it also means a fairly lengthy period of celibacy! 😱) And we’re both happy to do it.

So how the heck is this working so well for me and my partner?

For me, it’s because I’ve had a lifetime of what my ex-husband calls “extreme nonmonogamy.” I LOVE the novelty of nonmonogamy, and I look forward to going back to it when it’s time, but being temporarily monogamous with someone I’m so attracted to and having such amazing sex with (that just keeps getting better and better) is incredibly novel and exciting.

And for my partner? Well, he’s always been the guy with one foot in, one foot out of relationships. The thought of committing to one person felt like giving up all others, and he absolutely dreaded this. This led to:

• A series of short- and medium-term relationships, none longer than 2.5 years;
• Never fully committing to any one of them;
• And, unfortunately, cheating on most of his previous partners.

But then he met me. And I offered something new:

The freedom to explore other people (with agreed-upon boundaries, of course).

By offering the possibility of ethical nonmonogamy down the line, I unknowingly provided something he’d never had before: A sense of peace around commitment. In his words:

“Those restless parts of me that usually feel trapped… they’re calm now. It’s like they’re not caged, so they’re not fighting to prove they’re free.”

Isn’t it fascinating?

Sometimes, just that options exist in the future can make it easier to appreciate what you have.

This experience can teach us all a valuable lesson: If the idea of “forsaking all others” feels suffocating, have an open conversation about it early on.

You don’t have to be ready for nonmonogamy, for months, years, or even decades. But sometimes, just knowing the door isn’t locked can make all the difference.

I’m curious – have you ever experienced something similar? Or does this spark any thoughts about your own relationships? Hit reply and share your story!

Until next time,
Dr. Zhana