From Monogamy to Polyamory and Back: A Journey of Love and Discovery

I hope you’re having a great week! Ever wondered if the grass is really greener on the other side of the relationship fence? 💭

Last month I came across this fascinating New York Times article: I Was Content With Monogamy. I Shouldn’t Have Been by Jason Bilbrey, that got me thinking about the journey some couples take from monogamy to polyamory… and sometimes back again.

We’ve all heard stories of people “opening up” their relationships. Maybe you’ve read Miranda July’s novel “On All Fours,” or caught some of the articles in the NYT or The Washington Post about couples exploring nonmonogamy. These stories often follow a similar arc: unfulfilling monogamy transforms into a fulfilling nonmonogamous arrangement.

Occasionally, we hear the flip side too – tales of disastrous non-monogamy experiments that leave people jaded and convinced monogamy is the only way.

But this NYT article offers a refreshing twist on the usual narrative.

Picture this: A religious couple meets in a religiously-affiliated college (he’s literally studying to become a theologian), gets together with zero prior sexual exploration (thanks, religious upbringing!), and settles into what they think is the only relationship model out there – good ol’ monogamy.

But then…

• Their faith starts to crumble (hers goes first, then his).
• Along with it, their belief in monogamy-or-bust (she initiates it, he agrees initially begrudgingly, later starts to enjoy it),
• So they decide to open things up and see other people.

And that’s when things get really interesting! 👀

Through their polyamorous adventures, they both make some pretty big discoveries:

She realizes she’s actually gay (talk about a plot twist!). This revelation changes the entire dynamic of their relationship and allows her to finally embrace her true self.

He also discovers that with the right person, he doesn’t actually need or want multiple partners. He finds that being with someone who fully reciprocates his feelings and desires can be profoundly fulfilling. This helps him understand that his previous need for multiple partners was more about filling gaps in his primary relationship than an inherent preference for nonmonogamy.

Mind-blowing, right?

This story highlights something crucial: Sometimes, people are driven to nonmonogamy not because they’re inherently nonmonogamous, but because their current relationship isn’t meeting their needs.

For some, opening up can be a stepping stone to finding a more compatible monogamous relationship. They discover that their desires can actually be met in a well-matched partnership – they just weren’t in one before.

For others, it’s a way to supplement what they can’t get from one partnership. These folks might have sexual or relational needs that no single person can fully satisfy, no matter how well-matched, or there are some mismatches but not enough to end the relationship.

Both paths to and through nonmonogamy can be incredibly valuable and powerful. We shouldn’t devalue either experience.

What I particularly liked about this article is how the writer recognizes that the foray into polyamory, while not a permanent relationship destination, was indeed something truly valuable.

It’s a powerful and honest analysis of what nonmonogamy can do for people. It’s not always about finding a permanent alternative to monogamy, but sometimes about growth, self-discovery, and figuring out what you really need in a relationship.

So, I’m curious about your thoughts and experiences:

• Have you ever considered exploring non-monogamy?
• If so, what’s driving that interest? Is it curiosity, a sense of unfulfillment, or something else?
• For those who have tried it, did it lead you to unexpected realizations about yourself or your relationships?

Until next time,
Dr. Zhana