Is It Real Love or Just Infatuation? Here’s How to Tell

In a recent coaching call, one of our members asked an interesting question that I think many of us have wondered about at some point:

“What’s the difference between infatuation and real love? How can I tell if what I’m feeling is the kind of love that lasts?”

This is such a great question because romantic love isn’t a one-size-fits-all emotion—it actually comes in two very different forms. Understanding the distinction between infatuation and attachment can help you navigate your love life with more clarity and make smarter choices about your relationships.

Infatuation is the fiery, intense start to a romance. It’s that all-consuming phase where you feel euphoric, your heart races, and you can’t stop thinking about your partner. This stage is driven by high levels of dopamine and adrenaline, while serotonin levels drop—similar to what people with OCD experience! You might find yourself needing less food and sleep, wanting to spend every moment with your partner, and seeing them through rose-colored glasses. This is what we call the honeymoon stage; in many nonmonogamous circles, it’s what’s known as NRE – new relationship energy

While infatuation feels incredible, it’s important to remember that it doesn’t last. It thrives on novelty and uncertainty, so as you get to know your partner better, the intensity of these feelings will fade. And here’s the tricky part: infatuation can cloud your judgment and lead to some impulsive decisions that you might regret later. That’s why it’s wise to avoid making big life choices—like getting engaged, having a baby, or buying a house—during this stage.

If you want to better understand and navigate these intense feelings, my LoveSmarter™ program might be just what you need. It’s packed with science-based strategies for building stronger, more fulfilling connections. Sign up here to be notified when enrollment reopens!

On the other hand, long-term attachment is a more stable, enduring type of love. This is the deep bond that develops over time, characterized by increasing intimacy and commitment. Attachment is all about mutual care and support, grounded in a full understanding and acceptance of each other—flaws and all. It’s driven by hormones like oxytocin and vasopressin, which give you a sense of calm, safety, and comfort. This is sometimes referred to as the domestic phase of love, and it’s what makes relationships last in the long run.

Unlike infatuation, long-term attachment can continue to grow over time, as long as the relationship remains of high quality and partners continue to care for each other. Once you’ve transitioned out of pure infatuation and into the attachment stage, usually about 1.5-2 years into a relationship, that might be a good time to start thinking about those big life decisions.

And while we’re typically infatuated with only one person at a time, we can be attached (or pair-bonded) to multiple people at the same time, including to non-sexual and/or non-romantic friends and family.

If you’re struggling to navigate the transition from infatuation to attachment, or if you’re dealing with unique relationship challenges, I’m here to help. My private consultations offer individualized, science-based strategies tailored to your specific situation. Work with me to get personalized guidance.

So, where do you find yourself right now? Are you caught up in the whirlwind of infatuation, or are you enjoying the deeper connection of long-term attachment? Have you experienced both?

I’d love to hear your thoughts—drop me a reply and let’s chat about your experiences with these two forms of love.

With love,
Dr. Zhana