Think sex only happens when you’re both super horny, itching to rip each other’s clothes off? Sure, that’s one way to go, and it’s undeniably hot.
But if that’s the only time you rely on having sex—especially in a long-term relationship—you might be missing out on a lot of action you could be having and thoroughly enjoying.
This is one of the most common issues that couples in long-term relationships face as the initial spark of a new relationship gives way to the rhythms of daily life—work, kids, stress…: What happens when that spontaneous, out-of-the-blue desire starts to fade? you name it.
That’s when we need to start relying more on responsive desire. Let’s take a look at these two.
Spontaneous desire—that sudden, overwhelming craving for your partner—tends to be sky-high at the start of a relationship when everything feels new and exciting. It’s a key component of the infatuation stage of love. But as time goes on, you get to know your partner more and more, and you get into predictable sexual routines, spontaneous desire can start to fade—or sometimes even disappear entirely.
And what are the odds of both you and your partner feeling spontaneous desire at the same time? Not that high. Relying solely on this can lead to a lot less sex than either of you might actually want.
Subscribe to the Sex, Love & Science Newsletter by Dr. Zhana
The science of love, sex and relationships.
In your inbox (almost) every week.
See you there?
Subscribe to the
Sex, Love & Science Newsletter by Dr. Zhana
The science of love, sex and relationships.
In your inbox (almost) every week.
See you there?
But here’s the good news: We’re also wired for something called responsive desire. Unlike spontaneous desire, which hits you out of the blue, responsive desire ‘wakes up’ in response to sexual stimulation—like a touch, a kiss, a massage, or even watching something steamy together. Even when you weren’t necessarily feeling horny to begin with, as long as you’re open to becoming aroused, exposing yourself to these arousing stimuli will arouse you physically, which will make you desirous psychologically.
And here’s the best part: Responsive desire doesn’t fade over time. It’s your secret weapon for keeping the spark alive in your relationship, letting you get intimate whenever you both decide it’s a good idea. So even if only one of you is in the mood—or neither of you is, but you’re both open to getting there—you can still create that spark and let it catch fire.
In my experience talking with clients, friends, and colleagues, I’ve noticed how many of us tend to equate desire with that spontaneous spark. But here’s the truth: Responsive desire is just as valid and can be even more powerful in deepening your connection with your partner. It’s a different kind of excitement—one that builds on trust, comfort, and shared experiences over time.
Understanding this distinction has been a game-changer for many couples I’ve worked with. Instead of waiting for the “perfect moment,” they’ve learned to create opportunities for intimacy, even in the midst of busy, everyday life. This shift has led to richer, more satisfying sexual experiences—experiences that aren’t dependent on fleeting moments of spontaneous desire.
Want to dive deeper into these vital differences? I highly recommend grabbing a copy of Emily Nagoski’s book Come as You Are—it’s an absolute eye-opener and a must-read for anyone wanting to understand their sexual desire better.
Have you noticed how your desire has shifted over time in your relationship? Hit reply and share your experience—I’d love to hear how you’re navigating these changes and what’s worked for you.
With love,
Dr. Zhana
