Q&A: What to Do with Intimate Mementos After a Breakup?

In our latest coaching call, we tackled a sensitive topic that many face after a breakup: what to do with intimate mementos, specifically homemade sex tapes or pictures. One of our community members asked:

“A relationship recently ended in an unpleasant way. I have several homemade sex tapes of us, and I’m not sure what to do with them. I don’t think I could ever watch them again from the pain of the loss, but deleting them has also been a challenge.”

This question touches on the complex emotions we often grapple with after a relationship ends. On one hand, these videos represent beautiful, intimate moments with someone we cared for at the time (and often, still do). On the other, they’re painful reminders of what’s been lost or the negativity a painful ending has brought.

Kassandra, a member of my team, shared her perspective:

“I’m of the opinion of not deleting anything on the whim of the moment. I think there’s no urgency to make a decision. I would suggest archiving them, put them in a folder that you don’t see every day, and leave them there. When you’re more healed from the breakup, you can revisit and see how you feel.”

I completely agree with this approach, and here’s why:

• When you’re in the midst of emotional pain, it’s not the best time to make permanent decisions. What feels impossibly painful now might be viewed differently with time and emotional distance.
• Keeping these mementos can be part of the healing process, allowing you to revisit and process emotions when you’re ready.
• These videos capture genuine moments of joy and connection. Even if the relationship ended badly, those good times were real and part of your life story.
• If you delete them now, you might regret it later when the pain has subsided. It’s easier to delete later something you’re sure you don’t want, than live with the permanent loss of something you realize you did want.

There’s no immediate rush in this case. Put the files away (as far away as you need them to be so they don’t interrupt your healing process—if your phone is too close to comfort, download them on an external hard drive, lock the drive in a safe, put it in a safe deposit box…), then come back to the decision of what to do with them later.

That said, whenever you have x-rated materials of other people in your possession, it’s critical to ensure they’re stored securely and can’t be accessed by anyone else without consent.

Also, if your ex-partner specifically asks for the files to be deleted, that’s a different situation requiring careful consideration and respect for their wishes.

Remember, there’s no universal right or wrong answer here. The key is to make a decision that aligns with your values, respects all parties involved, and supports your emotional wellbeing.

If you’re facing a similar situation, here are some steps to consider:

1. Give yourself time: There’s no rush to make a permanent decision. Allow yourself space to process your emotions.
2. Secure storage: If you decide to keep the files, ensure they’re stored securely and privately where only you can access them.
3. Set a future review date: Mark a date in your calendar, perhaps 6 months or a year from now, to revisit this decision when you’re in a different emotional state.
4. Respect boundaries: If your ex-partner expresses discomfort with you keeping the files, have an open, respectful conversation about it.
5. Seek support: If you’re struggling with the decision, don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist or trusted friend for guidance.

Healing from a breakup is a process, and everyone’s journey is unique. Be patient and kind to yourself as you navigate these complex emotions and decisions.

Have you ever been in a similar situation? How did you handle it? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Hit reply and share your story!

Until next time,
Dr. Zhana