“Honey, we’re so good in bed we can get paid for it!” Ever say or think this after a breath-taking romp? A good sexcapade can inspire grand ideas. But does it really happen? Well, I got to interview my friend Jasmine, when she and her husband came to visit from out of town. They perform live sex shows for a living! So I wanted to share a little Q & A about their fascinating sex life with you all.
Me: Hi Jasmine! Thank you for doing this. So, what is it that you do? How do you and your husband make a living?
Jasmine: Hello! Glad to be here. Well, it’s sort of unconventional and it happened over time. We’ve been traveling doing live sexual performances for a living. It’s a way to spread positive sexuality in the world and help people have a good time. It’s been a really fun way to share our relationship, especially the great sex that we have together. We get to have even more great sex with other people’s ideas, fantasies and role-plays. So it’s an interesting shared experience without having any touch or interaction with other people.
Me: So you’re in a room with people who wants to watch comes in right? And then you and your husband have sex for the person watching you, right?
Jasmine: Yes, generally the people we see are men and couples. It’s a private experience where they would come in, and have as much input as they want as far as directing the scene. Sometimes they just want to be a fly on the wall and see what we do. So, yeah, either way it’s something that we definitely enjoy and it enhances our sex life as well as helps us make our living.
Me: How long have you been doing this?
Jasmine: Off and on, maybe five years I guess? It started sort of slow, just experimenting, and just sort of continued doing it because we enjoy it.
Me: What kinds of clients do you usually get?
Jasmine: It’s really a range of ages and races. I would say primarily people are straight, sometimes bisexual or curious. Meeting with a couple is exciting to them, because maybe they are sexually curiosity but generally identified as straight, I think? I mean the women who come to see us identified as bisexual and yet they always come as a couple. We’ve never had a female client come by herself.
Me: Never had a female only client?
Jasmine: No, we’ll welcome it but it hasn’t come up. So generally, our clients are educated; I would say maybe our customers are a little more educated than maybe someone that would choose to see an escort. Not that an escort wouldn’t be chosen by an educated person, but in order to connect to what we’re doing, you need to have a little more understanding of the fantasy nature of sex. The work we do is beyond the physical involvement, and our clients need to be excited about exploring the heady fantasy play.
Me: Right. That doesn’t involve actually touching you, playing with you and having insights with you.
Jasmine: Exactly, but they see the potential of it and that can be even more exciting than the actual touch experience. Never underestimate the tease! A lot of people that enjoy having a relationship with us is because I think they know they can’t have that, and that’s a big turn on.
Me: Where are you located and do you tour?
Jasmine: Yes, we are pretty much on tour, that’s our way of doing what we do. We’re in another city, somewhere we can be more anonymous, which is part of why I’m wearing the mask. We choose to do this as an anonymous activity. Yes, we choose cities that are busy enough that we sort of get lost in the mix. We pop in and out and have some fun!
Me: Like NY? So, you’re constantly on the move?
Jasmine: Yes, and there are times that we prefer being home. We don’t do this in those situations, we just do it when we feel like going out and having adventures. So, that’s sort of how we decided to do it.
Me: How long do you stay in the city?
Jasmine: Usually not more than a few days.
Me: How long have you been married for? Ballpark, I’m talking about two years, five years, ten years?
Jasmine: Longer than five years.
Me: You’ve been together for quite some time! So to summarize, for the last five years or so you two have been making a living by doing live sex shows where you actually go and perform sex in front of a client. These clients don’t touch you physically, but get to share their fantasies, and you can do things with your husband to fulfill them.
Jasmine: Yeah, we have verbal interactions with our clients. It’s a mixture of role-play and direction. We’ve had all kinds of fantasies that people have brought to the table and we try our best to do justice to them. We love role-play and taking on different characters, just keeps things more exciting. We have our own fantasies, but it’s always interesting having someone to bring fantasies to the table that we never considered and get to play different parts.
Me: Sounds like fun! So, what are some of the most typical requests that you get? I want to know about the most unusual, but what’s general performance like?
Jasmine: Typical? There are a few typical things that come from people’s bucket lists, ‘I want to see someone have sex, I’ve never seen somebody else engaged in sex with another person,’ and so on. A lot of people have never had the opportunity to just sit back and watch somebody have sex, especially not a real couple. People only have access to these things through watching porn, but porn is different because most of the people are not in a relationship. Seeing a real couple have sex is generally what it’s all about. We have many customers that can be considered cuckolds. In that particular role-play, they like to pretend that my husband is a stranger and I’m actually their partner (their wife or girlfriend) having sex with the stranger as if he’s someone that I met in a bar or buddy of the client’s. Many of them have fantasized about seeing their wives with another man, but their wives wouldn’t be open to it and we get to act out the fantasy in a different way. That’s a common one. A lot of times the couples are curious about getting into opening their relationship or swinging, but they’re not quite ready to do that yet, so they come to see us, because they see a space where they can explore. Maybe having sex in front of somebody else, being watched or watching, exhibitionism is sort of a stepping stone for them to maybe go to a play party or have an interaction with a couple in a different way. We get to fulfill a level of curiosity in a safe way within their boundaries.
Me: So, the couples who come to see you sometimes have sex with each other while you’re having sex with your husband?
Jasmine: Yes, definitely. If they want to play with each other, that’s welcomed. I think generally women are a little nervous at first. Sometimes they say, ‘I’m just here for him,’ ‘I don’t really know if I want to do this.’ Usually when things get going, they’re the first ones to get excited, take off their clothes, and engage with their partner. It’s very exciting to see someone lose their inhibitions in a very natural way. We never pressure anybody to do anything, it’s really just up to them if they feel inspired. So, it’s nice to inspire people to have a new experience, open up their sexuality.
Me: Yeah, I mean that’s a great gift that you can give to people. We certainly need more of that in this world that is very sex negative in many ways, which represses sexuality in many ways.
Jasmine: I’m not positive, but I think the number one benefit that people have expressed they get from the experience is beyond just having an exciting hot experience; its just being able to accept their sexuality. They feel natural hanging out with us because of how open and accepting we are of what people bring to the table. They never had the freedom to verbally share their sexual fantasies with someone before.
Me: So you make them feel normal.
Jasmine: Yeah, they can express things that they kept secret because they never had anyone to talk to about it. So, I would say in many of our sessions we end up chatting a lot about sex and sexuality.
Me: You spend a lot of time talking with your clients?
Jasmine: It’s equally exciting for them to be able to just be themselves and express their sexuality, and in most places people hide that. This is a place where you can express that in a healthy way.
Me: What is your favorite thing about this job, like what do you love? And who came up with the idea of public sex at first?
Jasmine: Like many couples, my husband and I wanted to explore different fantasies of our own. Somebody at one point asked us if we would do it. We met them in another context, which we were exploring, and they just said, you know maybe you would consider this, and we both said OK.
Me: So it was someone else’s idea?
Jasmine: Exactly, basically. We thought ‘interesting, that can be hot. Let’s try it.’ Both of us realized we can try and if it’s not for us we don’t have to commit to anything. That it’s OK to change our mind and it’s healthy to want to explore so we just tried it. It was exciting and then we thought others might be interested too. Maybe this is something that we just enjoy and share, and to be able to explore in a way that is safe for us. It feels like we can have different kinds of adventures, within this context.
Me: Do people ever try to cross the boundaries and ask other things that you don’t provide?
Jasmine: It comes up, but usually it comes up before we meet in person. So we do screen people and try to find people that want to do what we are providing, because nobody wants to be in a situation where somebody is pushy as well as their expectations aren’t matched. We make sure there is a mutual understanding of what is desired and provided before they come into our space. Sometimes it comes up in the heat of the moment, somebody would think its a good idea, but part of this work is teaching people about boundaries and being able to compassionately hold the boundaries that we’ve created. It comes up but never to a point where we feel we can’t express our boundaries and everything could go wrong as planned. Of course if somebody cannot respect our boundaries we’re going to have to ask them to leave.
Me: What are one or two of your favorite fantasies that you got to explore in this context that you had never done before?
Jasmine: Oh wow!
Me: Or something that stands out?
Jasmine: The whole thing has been an exploration of the idea of fantasy and playing in role. We are genuine with our clients and also built up in characters. We are sexualized and that is one way of knowing us. Striping away a lot of your identity actually makes it more fun to play with different identities and to just be more playful because you are doing it inside this container. It keeps it very heightened. Everybody has sex at home in their bedroom, but there’s something about someone watching you that turns up the volume and it brings out other things.
Me: How much of your sex life is performance versus private?
Jasmine: It really depends on how much we feel like doing either, but I would say it’s balanced. Having sex privately is a very different experience, there’s a different level of intimacy. You can’t showcase this because the intimacy is between you and your partner. We definitely have a different kind of sex when we’re alone and a different kind of sex when we’re performing. Both are equally important to us and our relationship. So, there are different benefits to each.
Me: What’s the most unusual of performance that you’ve done?
Jasmine: The most unusual, that’s hard to quantify.
Me: Or the one that stands out, the most unusual.
Jasmine: There was somebody who was an alter boy in his past and wanted me to wear a real nun’s outfit with stockings, a costume, and then he wanted my husband to pretend to be an altar boy, and that there will be some engagement between the two of us. This is one of the earlier experiences we had, this was sort of the beginning.
Me: Were you like, ‘oh my God! If this is how it is going to be!’
Jasmine: I just thought it was so creative! It obviously came from his life experience and I don’t have any roots in Catholicism. I never went to church really, so I didn’t have any type of personal connection to it outside of what I know of the culture. For him it was very deep and intimate. He was an older gentleman, so it had been many years since he’d been an altar boy, but he obviously held on to this fantasy for a long time! I think a lot of people play with guilt around sexuality that’s eroticized. It’s very common for people to have that reaction too, maybe a circumstance where they weren’t able to express their sexuality or their sexuality was repressed. They get to flip the script and recreate real life events into erotic experiences. So we have to thank Catholicism for a lot of hot sex! According to one of my catholic friends, that is one of the things that have made people kinkier, all the sexual repression.
Me: I grew up in an atheist country where there was no religion at all, it was not discussed in any way, and so I have a different relationship with religion than a lot of people do here. What is the thing that you like the least about this job or the lifestyle that goes with it?
Jasmine: The thing that can be the most draining are people who don’t think of the woman on the other end of phone, e-mail or computer as a person. I know this is something that people in the sex work industry experience because when it comes to the internet people are able to sort of depersonalize you. It’s very common that people sort of try to use you to get their needs met by stringing you along and than either not showing up or cancelling or take advantage of the situation. Once they’re behind their computer they can hide. A big part of it I think that’s come down to not seeing that there’s a real person at the other end, or not thinking of people who do sex work as a real person. There’s stigma against women that are sexual and if I’m in any way sexually available, they assume available to them. It’s an expectation that people carry and forget to be respectful. I try not to take it personally, but I see that commonly among people who are not as self aware and unable to integrate their sexuality. I try to be compassionate about it, but I definitely have to have boundaries around that. It takes a lot of weeding through, to find the people that are going to be serious and appreciate me. There are plenty of people who do, but I guess that’s the part that can be a little bit draining if you let it get to you.
Me: Do you think of yourself as a sex worker?
Jasmine: I do, yeah. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with sex work and not just because I choose to limit my interactions with clients. I don’t have anything against women who choose to have physical interaction with clients. I know many amazing women who enjoy the work that they do, that are really beautiful and brilliant women that choose to do sex work. It’s a stigmatized profession but there are many things that could be revolutionary. I don’t even want to say it, but the sex work world can be a different landscape than what it is if people were a little more open about it. Even the bad elements, the parts that people are really afraid of that should be policed, like sex trafficking and under age women. Generally once those things come out into the open, they can be addressed directly, instead of everything having to live in the shadows. But I think there are many women doing great work, and the guys of sex work. It can be quite a therapeutic, liberating and transformational experience for both people experiencing it and the people providing it.
Me: So be nice to sex workers, treat them with respect and they deserve it!
Jasmine: Yes! And people always ask me, ‘don’t you feel that you’re just being objectified?’ and you know, I don’t feel that way because I’m choosing to promote the image of myself that I want to promote. I felt much more objectified working as a cocktail waitress, than I ever felt doing what I’m doing now, because I have full freedom to express myself, however I want to express myself. And if people don’t respect it, then I don’t have to see them again.
Me: You have control of whatever happens to you. Thank you Jasmine!
Hope you enjoyed the Q&A from an insider of the sex work industry. You can check out the live interview on my Periscope and send us hearts ♥