BDSM for All Adult Ages: An Interview with Mistress Xmas – DrZhana

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BDSM for All Adult Ages: An Interview with Mistress Xmas

Mistress Xmas & her Dom, Charles

Mistress Xmas & her Dom, Charles

Merry early Mistress Xmas! In this special interview, we’ll be exploring naughtier than most mistletoe: the BDSM kind. It’s a joy to share my interview with Mistress Xmas (and her Dom) who joined me on my Periscope. Read the transcripts below and you can always watch the replay at the end of this blog (or on my katch.me).

Me: We’d love to know what is Mistress Xmas’ sort of specific BDSM style or preference? How did you get into it and what are some challenges you may have faced?

Mistress Xmas: I was born in Canada and moved to the States when I was 9 years old. Somewhere around 30 years old, I was introduced to a friend who does the BDSM thing for a living. One night she called me up and said, “Let’s go to the club, I have to work on somebody.” So I sort of just went along thinking this is going to be really humorous. What I actually found was unique and different. Over a few times, I decided maybe I should try this from a submissive standpoint and we played. Unfortunately though, my first experience was really horrible. It took me a few years to come back and try again. And the reason is I had some emotional baggage. I was sexually and physically abused as a child. The first time I played, after about 15 minutes, I just broke down crying and couldn’t deal with it anymore. Working through these issues, I eventually came back to trying it again. It was way better then so I continued and we started to switch. I would sort of follow her by doing what she was and eventually learned to be dominant. Now, I’m pretty much dominant most of the time. I’m only submissive to one person, and that’s my Dom, Charles.

Me: Periscope viewers are saying you look like a cute grandma [and are surprised] that a cute grandma does BDSM!

Mistress Xmas: I knew that was coming. I warned you.

Me: You did. Well, I mean people of all ages do BDSM. People of all ages have sex in all the different ways that people have sex. [Some of the Periscope comments] “Even grandmas need to have a healthy sex life.” Absolutely. I wish more people of your age really do BDSM, talked about it, and it’s more normalized. Another comment says, “Glad to see she is a regular person.”

Mistress Xmas: No, not even close.

Me: You don’t know what’s hiding beneath that cute little face and white hair. So, BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism, which obviously encompasses a lot. What is your type of BDSM?

Mistress Xmas: Well first, I’m not into sadomasochism. For me, I don’t require pain to be stimulated or to have an orgasm. I’m definitely into the BD part. For me, it’s really a sensation-oriented activity. This is quite stimulating whether I’m being a Dom or being a Sub. It’s very different depending on which way I’m playing that night.

Me: What do you mean by sensation?

Mistress Xmas: We use toys to play with, whether its floggers, cuffs, or blindfolds. The amount of toys and variety are quite endless. Each one provides a different sensation and along with that sensation is intensity. That intensity can be really nice or it can be really awful. So, it just depends on how the toy is used.

Me: How did you get comfortable enough, to try BDSM again after that first bad experience?

Mistress Xmas: I hadn’t really dealt with the fact that I was sexually abused. It really didn’t even hit me until I was playing, which was my first realization that it wasn’t my fault. With a little work and help from a shrink, I managed to get to the point where I still hated what happened to me, but it was okay to move on.

Me: Right, so some therapy helped.

Mistress Xmas: Yes, and I would highly recommend that if you have emotional baggage, to work through it before you start to play.

Me: What about before you were 30? What was your sexual experience or lifestyle before you discovered BDSM?

Mistress Xmas: Well, I’ve been pretty much openly bisexual as far back as I can remember. I just never really thought of kinky play, whatsoever. I wasn’t really introduced to it until I had met my friend who was a professional Dom. She was just wonderful and it just made it a desirable thing to learn after watching her.

Me: Would you say you were highly sexual and very sexually curious before that?

Mistress Xmas: Probably. I just feel like everybody is worth looking at. Whether they are male or female, I’m attracted both ways.

Me: Have you ever done it professionally or just for personal pleasure?

Mistress Xmas: I did about 3 years professionally. It’s very different from playing for fun. It’s a little more intense. The people who hired me were usually more serious players, and more pain oriented. I rarely play privately. We always play publicly in clubs or that kind of environment or event, so it’s very different.

Me: How often do you go to events?

Mistress Xmas: Well prior to me getting sick, we used to go weekly. We were pretty much at the clubs every weekend.

Me: That’s a lot of partying!

Mistress Xmas: It is a lot of partying. A lot of demos (demonstrations).

Me: Why do you do it mostly in public?

Mistress Xmas: Most of the clubs we play at are just open to the general public. Some of the clubs and events we go to are related to a group out here called the Society of Janus, which is a BDSM organization. They hold events, weekly lunches, and usually have a monthly party that is open.

Me: Why not private kind of play?

Mistress Xmas: I also do private play, but most of what we do is we go to the clubs. So it’s a little bit of both.

Me: Someone was asking how long have you been with your current partner? How long has that relationship been going on?

Mistress Xmas: Well I have been with my Dom since, I don’t know maybe the early 90’s?

Charles: 20 years.

Me: Well, that’s a long time.

Mistress Xmas: Charles is also known as The Ruthless. And he can be pretty ruthless, especially with me.

Me: The Ruthless, oh boy. So how did that happen? You say you’re mostly dominant with everyone except Charles? Why Charles?

Mistress Xmas: I did start as a submissive to my female friend that taught me all of this. But we were going to the clubs and that’s where I met Charles. He was at the club and I don’t know, we just sort of got along and it became a thing.

Me: Charles, how long have you been doing this and how did you get into it?

Charles: I started working pro about age 20. I’ve been in and out of that scene forever. But I was tying people up in elementary school. I have been doing this my entire life.

Screen Shot 2015-11-11 at 12.08.50 AM

Taz has been a bad, bad boy!

Me: You even do it to dolls right?

Mistress Xmas: This all started from the events that we do. In order to get new people to try, we would give away either flowers or little stuffed animals that were tied up in bondage. [We had a little show and tell of all the adorable tied up stuffed animals]

Me: Do you have any kids?

Charles: No kids, never had them.

Me: Is it in an open relationship where you play with other people, men and women? How does that work?

Mistress Xmas: We both play with other people but I’m also married for 25 years to another woman. So our relationship is truly just as Dom/sub.

Me: Wow, that’s fascinating. [Periscope viewers were surprised as this plot twist] So you’re married to another woman? Do you live with her?

Mistress Xmas: Yep.

Me: Charles, do you have other long-term partners? Are you married?

Charles: No, not married. I play with other people, probably an understatement considering all the demos.

Mistress Xmas: We do all the events together for the most part.

Me: Is your wife into the lifestyle?

Mistress Xmas: No, she has come to the clubs and seen what I do but is not into it at all.

Me: Okay, interesting. So you only have a sort of vanilla sex relationship with your wife? Viewers are asking if your wife is okay with your Dom? I assume so.

Mistress Xmas: Pretty much. Yeah, he’s here all the time.

Me: Can you give us some examples of your play? Like maybe run us through what a scene would look like?

Mistress Xmas: Well for me, I’m probably a little odd. I have some specialties that I particularly favor. Temporary play piercings, fire, electricity, rope work, and floggings. Pretty much all of it.

Me: So I guess you’re going to have to explain some of these for the people. Okay we’re going to go through each of those, so explain play piercings first.

Mistress Xmas: Play piercing typically will consist of using syringe needles and going subcutaneous: through the arms, through the breasts, the back, all over and then you can weight them to apply a little tension. So that’s what play piercings are about for me. There are regular piercings that people do, but I only do the temporary play piercings with syringe needles.

Me: “She’s so badass,” someone’s saying. I think she’s pretty badass! Another one is saying “I thought I was a freak, this lady puts me to shame.” Well I’m glad we can provide that feeling of normalness to all of you. Okay, can you explain fire play a little bit?

Mistress Xmas: Fire play is dangerous. Don’t ever try this at home. I use a mixture of alcohol and water. I will then use a swab and wipe it on a person’s back. I light it on fire and I will put it out before it burns, so it’s usually a nice warm sensation. And you never let it burn down to the skin. Well, you can but most people prefer not to.

Me: Fire play which is nice heat and psychological play. How do you know the boundaries of not physically harming the people that you Dom?

Mistress Xmas: That takes a lot of time, communication, training, but mostly communication. You really have to be aware of whom you’re working on and what their limits are. You really need to negotiate everything before you start playing. Safety is paramount for me. I don’t ever hurt anybody.

Me: That’s great. Is actually sex involved, or just teasing?

Mistress Xmas: There is sexual stimulation, whether through it be the toy or sometimes touching, but I don’t actually have intercourse with any of my Subs.

Me: You don’t have intercourse with any of your Subs? Do you with Charles?

Mistress Xmas: No.

Me: Gotcha. So what is electricity play?

Mistress Xmas: For me, it’s using a violet wand. It’s basically a Tesla coil, which I connect to my body and then when I touch a person they get zapped. The intensity can vary between feelings of extreme or it can feel like a wonderful massage, like a vibrator.

Me: [A Periscope viewer is slightly confused] You say you are not into sadomasochism but you’re into needle and fire play?

Mistress Xmas: Yes, I just don’t require pain in order to be sexually aroused or to have an orgasm.

Me: So this isn’t about orgasms?

Charles: No.

Mistress Xmas: Well it can be. It depends on whom you’re working on and whether you arouse the Sub that you’re working on.

Me: What else can it be about aside from orgasm?

Mistress Xmas: Well, it’s obviously all about sensation.

Me: Someone [on Periscope] says, “It’s a great stress reliever I bet.” Yeah. Are you out to people? How did that come about? Do you have to deal with a lot of stigma around it?

Mistress Xmas: For me, most people know. Some people that don’t are my parents. I think my mother would probably get a good laugh out of it. My father would probably not understand, but most of my friends know. My sisters know, or some of my sisters know.

Me: Did you have to deal with a lot of stigma?

Mistress Xmas: I don’t know [she turns to Charles] you want to answer?

Charles: It depends. In the nature of my work, I have to be a lot more careful. I’m in the public’s eye. There are people at work who know what I do. At this point, quite a few of them do. At one time there was a lot of stigma involved. Now, not so much but there’s still a lot of misunderstanding about the whole BDSM world. It’s still too much of people in leather and strange stuff. That isn’t necessarily the entire lifestyle.

Mistress Xmas: I actually started to go against the grain for most of the people in the BDSM community, which often seemed to dress in extravagant wear and I do just the opposite.

Charles: With some of the hardcore people who I’ve known, we find the people who wear the fetish wear you could call the standard model. The clothing is so restrictive, especially for women. You can’t do anything. You can’t walk, you damn near look like a Barbie doll.

Me: It’s nice to look at but it’s not very functional.

Charles: And then the leather is hot and you have to dry clean it.

Me: Right. Are you sober when you do this? Someone said, “I can’t imagine being sober during this.”

Mistress Xmas: Yes, definitely. I would not ever recommend anyone play while being on drugs or alcohol. That’s just a bad idea all the way around. You have no idea what your sensations really are. They can just be muted so radically that you could get hurt without knowing it.

Me: My understanding is that unlike the regular party scene, the vast majority of BDSM parties are pretty sober because it’s important. You are playing with fire, pun intended. So you want to be sober while doing that.

Mistress Xmas: Yeah.

Me: Yes, you can’t consent if you’re intoxicated. You can’t know if something is being taken to a whole new level. Okay, there’s a bunch of Fifty Shades questions going. What’s your take on it? How do you think it affected things?

Mistress Xmas: Well, I don’t really know what to think about it. It really has almost nothing to do with reality in the BDSM community. The movie has literally nothing in it and the books do cover some basics such as safe words and tying people up. Generally speaking, it’s so tame that it doesn’t really qualify it and I don’t know what to call it.

Me: What do you think about its sociological impact?

Mistress Xmas: I think what’s happening is that more people are asking questions. Just as in this interview, people want to know how it relates to reality.

Charles: The problem I’ve seen whenever a film like that comes out, and there have been a few in the past, is it can get dangerous for participants. Suddenly there are people who come into the BDSM scene who think because they’ve been online, seen a movie, or may have read a book, are now the next great Dom that knows everything. They have no experience and can get in way over their heads that lead to people getting hurt or injured.

Mistress Xmas: Yes, I would highly recommend for anyone who wants to start out and gain experience to go on Fetlife.com. You can find branches in your area, munches (a group of people that just go to a cafe and they have coffee and talk), and meet up with likeminded people. New people can learn a lot from experienced people and how and who to trust which is really important.

Charles: On the East Coast you have Black Rose. It’s very similar to Janus on the West Coast. They can then direct you to groups similar to theirs in that area. Most of the US has groups like these.

Me: What advice would you give to someone new who might want to explore? How to talk to her partner? Is spanking or hair pulling considered BDSM?

Mistress Xmas: Sure, it’s really nice. Try it, once or twice. If you’re a couple, I think you can play at home endlessly without having to spend a penny on toys. There are so many things you can use around the house to play. I mean, a simple spanking is a wonderful way to start and extremely intimate. If you’re an individual, I suggest starting with munches or groups and meeting people that way.

Me: Hair pulling and spanking — the gateway sex!

Mistress Xmas: It certainly is.

Charles: If you’re going to get into bondage, get a fairly decent rope. I usually get it at the hardware store. Wash it before you use it. Use a lingerie bag. Throw it in the laundry because you never know what’s on the rope before it touches people’s bare skin, it could have been lying next to a bunch of concrete.

Mistress Xmas: Cleanliness of toys is very important, especially if they’re going to be touching areas that could be sensitive.

Charles: Places to pick up toys? The dollar store. Spatulas are good. A friend of mine used to use those little frying pan spatulas and clothespins. Belts are good. One thing I’ve done is that I used to do a thing called the cut down scene. I’d go to Goodwill, Salvation Army, and thrift stores to buy a bunch of clothes for my partner. Make sure it’s really washed. If it’s white, bleach the life out of it. We’d go to play and I would rip their clothes off. This is always fun and everybody freaks out when I suddenly grab somebody’s blouse and rip it off their body. She’d say something like, “Oh my God. How am I going to get home? How am I going to catch the bus home? This is my only clothes. This is my husband’s, father’s, boyfriend’s shirt.”

Me: A nice mind fuck. People love the 99-cent store ideas of BDSM on a budget.

Charles: I’ve made spreader bars using a cane, a couple of pieces of dowel, and a couple of eye hooks that I got from a 99 cent store.

Mistress Xmas: He is quite big on making toys. He makes big toys too. He makes crosses, tables too, so we have instant dungeon.

Charles: I make toys like floggers and also need to make the props for dungeon set pieces when we would do shows. Some of the shows we did were pretty large and we’d get maybe a hundred, hundred and twenty people through our booth in the course of an evening.

Me: [Periscope viewer question] is part of it acting? I’m guessing more like role-playing maybe?

Mistress Xmas: Well, you certainly are role-playing to a certain degree anytime you’re either a Dom or a submissive. In the case of when we are in public during a dance, it’s almost performance art.

Me: Is there a lot of prepping how the scene is going to unfold? What you’re going to do in a scene, that kind of stuff?

Mistress Xmas: Very much so. Especially if we’re onstage, we’ve done resistance play where you are literally fighting and you really have to choreograph that to a certain degree.

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