Last month, I sat down with my dear friend and fellow sex educator Reid Mihalko. We had quite the laughs and covered a lot of material. You can read the first part of our interview (about getting what you want out of sex and relationships) here. In this second installment, Reid and I answer some of my Periscope audience questions on how to have better sex! You can also watch the full length interview at the end of this blog 🙂
Me: How do you tell your partner nicely that you’re not pleased?
Reid: I used to be, and still am, very insecure. The difference now is I’m very secure with how insecure I can be, and that changes the game. As a geek, I created something called the Difficult Conversation Formula, a script you can work on to learn how to have a difficult conversation. When you’re displeased, there’s a way to be really kind when you talk about your displeasure and get really clear in that. I created online classes and courses, one called Relationship 10X, which the difficult conversation formula is part of. Relationship 10X has a bunch of free videos for people to see how I teach to figure out if they want to do the course. You can learn how to be more romantic and have your partner, people you’re dating, and even friends feel more cared for. There’s also a course about how to listen to your partner’s body during sex. If you’ve ever tried to make a wine glass sing, watch that that video, because learning how to make a wine glass sing will help you help your partner have better orgasms.
Me: Yes of course, I may like rock-hard abs, but having a six pack has nothing to do with whether you can make someone come. It’s like the big cock thing for many men, they think, “I have a big cock and a six pack, so I don’t have to do anything else.”
Reid: It’s just learning how to do sex better in a world where most people won’t give you good advice. If you just Google sex, you are going to get a lot of videos but they’re not training videos, and a lot are mainstream porn. It’s for entertaining purposes, not really education. Trying to be a better lover from watching mainstream porn is like trying to be a better driver by watching the Fast and the Furious, except we know we’re not supposed to watch the Fast and the Furious to learn how to drive. When you don’t get good sex education, the default is that you are going to look at porn and suppose that you should treat people’s body that way. A lot of my friends who are porn stars they’re basically complete athletes when it comes to sex. Do your self a favor and get great sex resources. You can feel more confident in bed and that confidence and competence are sexier to be with. A lot of the people you might be dating or are in relationships with didn’t watch this video, aren’t talking about sex, and if anything are nervous talking about sex. It goes back to communication skills: your ability to talk about sex, ask for what you want, and then go for good educational material that helps you get a better blowjob will help you receive more pleasure. Becoming confidant and a better communicator usually helps you get better relationships. It doesn’t guarantee that they will last forever, but life becomes more fun when you are less afraid of it.
Reid: Lets assume that this is a penis owner asking this question. What I would do? My quick advice, get a fleshlight or blower (it’s a masturbation thing). Practice humping it or even stick it (penis) in the cushions of your couch so you’re kind of in a fucking mode. What you want to do is approximate fucking. That means using your body muscles in a way that makes it think it’s having sex and then pay attention to when you’re on the edge of coming. It’s a practice called edging where you get right on the cusp of orgasm, stay there and kind of hover. What you want to do is train your brain to notice when it’s right on the edge and then train yourself how to stay there. The fleshlight and the blower are the best to approximating fucking a real person. If you have a partner who would lie there, you can practice with them and that’s great to. Another super useful thing for me, I learned from Nina Hartley, is your orgasm breaking system. It’s a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being when you start coming and there’s no turning back. There’s a difference between a gradual 7, 9, 9 ½, compared to 6, 8, 10! If you get turned on really fast you can’t break. Once you go over the edge of coming and finish ejaculating, you can’t go back. So edging and learning your orgasm breaking system can help someone manage their longevity in bed.
Reid: Non-toxic is better. If you can afford it, the best kind of sex toys are medical grade silicone, but not many can afford those. If you have PVC toys you’re worried may be toxic, always use a condom. I usually use condoms on all my toys anyway because I’m slutty and they get shared with a lot of people. And always wash your toys, how nice!
Me: Yes, washing toys, especially if they get shared are important.
Reid: Oh, other things people can do too in bed, when you’re feeling close to come is pull out and switch to doing other things. I fuck for a little while, then I’ll pull out, then I’ll hand fuck, and then I can go back to fucking. My partner is like, “Oh my God, you are doing all these things that nobody ever does, it’s so cool!” and I’m just trying not to come. It’s very useful if and when I can’t get it up for whatever reason, then I use my hand or mouth. I get so turned on using my hands and my mouth that after a while I can get it up. As I get older, if I don’t want to be using Viagra or things like that, these are great alternatives. When you’re playing with people that don’t want to get fucked, then it’s cuddling time.
Me: Hand sex and oral sex are important. Especially for women, in particular for people with vulvas, only 30% of women have an orgasm on a regular basis from just intercourse. So you need to get better in other things like using toys or doing sex with hands, using your tongue and mouth in ways women like.
Reid: I advise vulva owners to masturbate and then teach their partners, specifically penis owners because we don’t have a vulva, the things that work for you. For you penis owners out there, be kind, sweet and encourage them to explore. Having more tools and toys in your arsenal, you can have more diversity, which can be really fun. And please don’t pressure people. Invite but don’t pressure.
Me: What if someone doesn’t come easily?
Reid: Ok, you’re probably not broken. I mean it’s hard for me to say in one line, but there’s a lot of resources out there to geek out on how you might be able to come more easily. Do they masturbate regularly? Have they tried different positions when masturbating? Used toys and lube? Lube makes the world a better place ladies and gentlemen, especially in your genitals. There’s nothing shameful about using lube, please use lube.
Me: What’s your favorite?
Reid: I like water based lubes. I don’t have a particular preferred brand. As a sex educator companies send me a lot of lubes. I don’t like when something is still on my cock post-sex, each person’s preferences will be different so I encourage people to experiment.
Me: No Crisco please!
Reid: I mean, there’s a lot to learn. No oil based anything with condoms and unless you are fluid bonded with your partner, use condoms for penetrated sex please. For anal or vaginal, from a safer sex perspective, using condoms is the one thing you can do that makes sex way healthier. When I put a condom on I need an erection. For my penis owners out there, get a fleshlight or blower and practice fucking it with a condom. Train your brain that condoms are not the end of the world and are a good thing. For me, when somebody asks for a condom I’m like, “Awesome! Sex is happening” and I’m ecstatic.
Me: So we’ll end on this clarifying note: fluid bonded is when you’ve had an actual conversation and made an informed decision with your partner to consciously not use condoms. So you’ve talked about the risks and have done testing. Learn more about Reid.